March 2012
3 posts
15 tags
The Birthday Party Massacre Meets The Resurrection...
Birthday Party Massacre, meet…
… The Resurrection Basket (now with sparklies!). This year, the frankincense burns you!!!
Ok enough Hollywood trailers, let’s make like Huey Lewis and go back in time.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ (these are the dweedly marks indicating time traveling has commenced)
It’s 2011. Nixon hasn’t been President for over three decades. Arcade Fire is...
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Adventures In Hitchhiking: My Fun Year In Review
Epic video of awesomeness: http://youtu.be/ZT9RfS-yqyA
Adventures In Hitchhiking: A Year In Review
It’s amazing to believe that I’ve been traveling the country for over a year now. I’ve had so many amazing experiences and met so many fantastic people. In honor of this and to all of you who have helped me along the way (thank you, thank you, thank you), I compiled a short video to show all...
25 tags
The Golden Compass Becomes The Golden "Rump"ous...
“If I look through my nose and you look through your mouth, we’re bound to find some golden underwear.”
On my journey, many stops were made. Digging through Halloween super stores proved futile and a new approach was needed. Victoria’s high cougar population it turns was actually in reference to the cats, so I asked myself “what sort of sexually unabashed Canadian...
February 2012
4 posts
5 tags
My Leap Year Gift To You
Happy Leap Year to you all!!! In honor of this special day that sits in a smokey humidor sipping bourbon with the likes of The World Cup and the Olympics, I have decided to give you all a present. If you’ve been pining to ask that special someone out on a date, or perhaps just want to impress your boss’ daughter so you can get her in the sack and post the pictures all over the...
13 tags
Sometimes A Cougar Really Is Just A Cougar...
I had now taken my trip international after covertly making my way, illegal pastry in hand to the magical land of milk in a bag where seldom is heard a discouraging word but a striking amount of favoritism towards certain vowels is prevalent. I’m of course referring to Canada eh. I got into Vancouver where my new friend Jean Fong took me in. There are two great things about Jean. One,...
12 tags
How To Avoid Arrest At The Border For Dummies (my...
Want to hear about how I almost got arrested by the border patrol?
Psssh…should I even ask anymore? ;-)
Sometimes in life all of us encapsulate the decisions found in Forest Gump. That movie could very well be attributed to the “Everything I Needed To Know I Learned In Kindergarten” poster. Speaking for myself, I had hit my proverbial and quite literal “running into the...
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Who Says You Need A DeLorean To Travel Through...
Do you know what it’s like to time travel? The kind you do in the blink of an eye? Well I’m here to tell you that I’ve done it and you don’t need a DeLorean with the $350 flux capacitor upgrade to it happen. All you need is the right place, right time, right libations and right time vortex. I’ll explain, but first a little background.
I was fortunate to snag a...
January 2012
4 posts
5 tags
Heaven Came To Be - The Angel Of Emerald City
Passion is like gunpowder. We store it inside of kegs in random rooms of our minds and forget about it. Every so often someone finds those neglected keys hanging on copper hooks and sneaks into our storerooms without our knowledge to set fire to them. The explosion is unexpected and leaves us in the mercy of its force like the waves of the ocean. Our only option is to surrender to it and ride...
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"There Are No Cats In America, And The Streets Are...
It was crunch time in the land of Wesley. The clock which had been ticking since Florida was now almost to zero. I had an event to be at in three days that was in Seattle and here I was, only half way up the coast. It was time to turn on the high gears and start taking some extreme action. It was time to bust out the hitchhiking thong.
“In Kazakhstan, we hitchhiking with both...
27 tags
Three Skunks And A "Shut The Fuck Up!" Don't Equal...
Three skunks and a multitude of shadowy figures later (one of which I thought was going to practice meat fabrication on my body), I decided I did not want to get mugged/murdered in the park. Shakespeare in the park is one thing, but there are some scenes in Hamlet I don’t wish to experience in real life.
Who wants the banana now?
Even though the view was beautiful at the lake, there...
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Death Visits A Hitchhiker: My Run In With A Truly...
In horror movies you watch helplessly from your small seat in the theater as a leathery faced killer slowly approaches his victim who. Defying all laws of physics, despite that the terrified prey is running, the killer manages to get ahead of them simply by strolling. Typically he’s carrying some sort of blunt force trauma device like a tire iron or a wagon wheel, though since the days of...
December 2011
5 posts
14 tags
A Step By Step Guide On How To Commandeer A Moving...
Take a step. How’d it feel? Take another. Now another. How about one more for good measure. Satisfied? If not and you’re at work, try moaning like a mongoose. Had Mic Jagger witnessed someone trying this, the Stones never would have had their hit single.
“I can’t get no/ Satisfaction/ When I’m walking down the street/ And a man walks up to me/ And I say...
15 tags
Breaching The Walls Of The Forbidden City
When I was a Sophomore in high school my dad invited me to a wedding. This was no ordinary wedding either, it was my cousin’s. Most of you with cousins are probably thinking, “unless it was two of your cousins marrying each other beneath a harvest moon next to the Arkansas River, than I’m failing to see the significance.” Though I understand how your convictions over the acceptable...
27 tags
Death Cab For Cutie: My Ride With The Devil (San...
Some things are hard to leave behind. The Bahamas. Count Chocula. That holiday weight you gained from the four helpings of pie. And most especially, San Diego after being treated like a Prince.
The Fonz of breakfast cereal
After making my through the desert, I had fallen into luxery’s lap at the hands of Jeff Eldridge, the patron saint of having a great time. But just like...
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"Because Bacon Makes Everything Better" - My San...
Place: Gaslamp District - San Diego, CA
Venue: Gas Lamp Speakeasy
Bar Tender: Heath
Being a Culinary Artist, I’ve always been facinated by food pairings. However, the thing that intrigues me almost as much if more, is mixology. Good mixology. I went to the Gaslamp Speakeasy to watch Whitney Shay perform with her jazz group and dance a bit.
I was welcomed into a warm and...
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Irish Car Bomb: More Than Just A Way To Ignite A...
My entry into San Degio was a momentous occasion. I had successfully crossed the entire country and had remained housed, fed and unmolested by truckers. I was very proud of myself and incredibly blessed to get to celebrate it by walking to the ocean, my favorite geographical feature. Standing on the edge of a cliff soaking in the salty air in the early morning was truly a homecoming moment.
A...
November 2011
7 posts
30 tags
The Tale Of Harley Man Randy: Hear How He Scored A...
Many people have had angels come into their lives to help them in some way or another. Few though have had that angel come with multiple tats and a handle bar mustache. Perhaps the lack of attracting such figures into one’s existance draws roots from the image of Harley bar fights or the connection to Sons of Anarchy. Or maybe the belief that help could not come from such a character...
27 tags
Was Dad So Great To Give Us The Chocolate Cake?...
I had reached Casa Grande in my flat bead chariot around 11 AM. When I looked around I was hit with what I imagine a farmer from the old west would experience seeing Carson City for the first time. As a hitchhiker this place was perfect. There were three large trucks stops, hotels and motels aligned like corn fields, it was the meeting place of two major interstates, and best of all, cars and...
22 tags
Why You Only Jerk Off With Conditioner As A Last...
My exodus out of Phoenix was a mix of both bitter and sweet. Some might call it bitter sweet, but I find those two words have been tied to matrimony for so long that no one has bothered to ask them if they’re really happy that way. Perhaps they want some time apart, and so for the sake of this one paragraph I am going to give it to them. This one paragraph.
When’s bitter coming...
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How To Tease Your Tongue: A Recipe In The...
To enjoy the lush wonders of the palate while hitchhiking, one must have patron saints. For me, my culinary muse came in the form of the wonderful Laura Czarzasty, patron saint of wondering hitchhikers with an appetite for deliciousness.
Sometimes, getting a patron saint requires laying out chains for which to catch them. Didn’t I just score lucky.
After my time spent with her, I...
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I Took A Walk (A Different Way Of Expressing Life...
I Took A Walk
by Wesley Cook
I took a walk into the world, a walk for me to feel Those moments conjured in my dreams and for forever sealed From when I was a young boy longing deep for fantasies Where lips were more than kisses, but the crossing of the sea I stepped into the rain just as I stepped into the sun Where drops could fall with sunlight and entwine themselves as one As fire sprang...
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The Answer To How Sailors Can Leave For Such Long...
I left the gas station at the edge of the city as I most always do: with a big smile on my face because I get to get in some good exercise. If you’ve never hung out with me before, than you aren’t aware of my tendency to break out into Muhammed Ali exercise routine while everyone else is sitting around either talking or watching a movie. I have to move my body. My body came with a...
25 tags
Sex Carries Scissors: Tucson to Phoenix (pt 1)
My journey from Tucson to Phoenix was going to be a long hard road, which might have been avoided had I begun hitching out of Tucson early. However, I had one primary reason to stay there till the late afternoon: I was going to be getting a free haircut from a sexy burlesque dancer. There is a book written by a man of such unparalleled genius and wisdom, that all the philosophers, saints,...
October 2011
7 posts
God Bless Late Night Coffee And Awkward Emo Kids:...
After the molten lava that was my fellow traveler’s irritation towards me cooled, I was finally able to kick back and enjoy a highly cramped ride to Tucson. On the way there I enjoyed such sights as:
Endless expanses of nothing,
More endless expanses of nothing
Boarder towns with high literacy marks
Sushi you’d never want to eat in El Paso, TX
The idea of it is was so...
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Later Than A Pregnancy Scare: Down To Austin, TX...
Before I start this blog entry I want to give special recognition to Tanja and Brad who housed me in Dallas for almost a full week after meeting me very much on a last minute ditch effort to find a place to crash. They were amazingly hospitable and kind.
“Hey buddy… You wanna come stay with us?”
As I said before, making the decision to stay in Dallas was a bit of a gamble....
12 tags
Hannibal Lector Visits Six Flags Over Texas
Sometimes things happen for a reason. I’m sure you read that on a Hallmark card somewhere. It probably said something like this: things happen for a reason. Because of that, you constantly look for why things happen. Why did I lose my car keys when I’m already late for work? Why did Arrested Development get canceled after three seasons? Why can’t cheetos be good for you?...
15 tags
The House Of Poets And A Moment Of Real Openness
One of the unique highlights of Dallas was going to the House of Poets.
Even MC’s know how to play with their balls like David Bowe
A place born out of a thespian’s wet dream, this place has the aesthetics to pull you into a new artistic dimension. Coming to this place, I saw all the makings of a Ren. Fair that didn’t want the party to end. They found a cove where they...
26 tags
Mission Impossible: Dallas,TX and the Secret...
Hello Ethan.
We are pleased to hear that you successfully navigated your way through the trecherous wastelands stretching between Houston and Dallas without becoming the play thing of some monster truck fanatic. Many an agent has fallen victim to that fate. Now it’s time for your new mission.
You are to visit every KFC in America until you can decipher their secret recipe or beat...
15 tags
My Lowest Point And The Greatest Gift (Part 4:...
After being prematurely evicted from Willis I made my way down about half a mile to an overpass. It was around 2:30 am and by this time, I just wanted to fall over and pass out. The bridge looked good, but the problem was trucks drove under it ever fifteen seconds, so if you are like me and wake up when something like a napalm blast hits, than you’re in a tough spot.
Sweet dreams motha...
16 tags
Willis. The Texas way of spelling white trash...
I know many of you have been waiting for the conclusion of this story, so please excuse the delay. I had a desert to cross and it didn’t afford me much time to write. On top of that my laptop started acting funny which immobilized my posting abilities. For now, I’ve got some room to write. Eh hem….
I last left off letting my spine re-elongate in the foire of a local Kroger...
September 2011
13 posts
10 tags
Cartilage Spells Intimidation (Hitching From...
Last time on wacsonwacsoff, I was taking a break from walking to rest and eat some food when a wave of drowsiness overtook me and I fell asleep, sprawled out in a gas station parking lot.
Body so tired. Food so good. Must…. stay… awa snnnnnnnnnnnnnng
If I was in anyway trying to avoid the hobo image, all my efforts were now scuttled. When I came to, I was puzzled by the unique...
20 tags
What Do Zombie Llamas and Texas Highways Have In...
Hitchhiking is a curious science if you want to call it that. One that is very relatable to the field of chemistry. Take one part sign, one part back pack, two parts patience, add a dash of thumb and bake in the right location and you may find you have yourself a beautiful ride in the end. Though the gypsy periodic table of elements lacks such classical favorites as nickel, copper and...
13 tags
Top 10 Works Of Engineering Genius
When traveling the world, here are ten things worth checking out. 10 Works Of Engineering Genius.
http://www.lonelyplanet.com/china/travel-tips-and-articles/76817
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4 Ways To Make Houston, Tx A Good Time
Acro Yoga at Ahisma Studio: For Someone Looking For Good Ol’ Fashion Body Work And Friendly People
If you ever wanted to know what it was like to skydive while getting your ass kicked by Bruce Lee, than you’ll begin to have an idea of what acro yoga is like. During your session you’ll find yourself lifted into the air and put into strange positions with your body hanging helplessly on...
17 tags
Wesley's Survival Guide: A Diary Of An Exchange
To Whomever Finds This,
If you are reading this, than chances are I am dead. There’s is the possibility that I’m at the store buying milk cause we’ve been going through it like wildfire since the new Captain Crunch cereal came out, but still…there’s a chance. If you found this and these are my last words, please read them with the reverence they deserve: my diary...
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The 11 Fake Foods You Have To Try
Some of you may wonder what I do when I’m out on the road walking all day and night. Do I listen to music? Perhaps I whistle at hot girls who speed by at 70 mph? Could be that I catch up on all that bird watching I never did and for good reason? Well I must say the answer is none of the above. I walk and do what I can to keep myself entertained by talking to myself for hours on end.
A...
4 tags
Wesley's Travel Question: What Is The Best Beach...
While traveling all over the US, there’s a lot to see and do. So much so that I realized one of the best ways to focus in on what’s worth doing and what is not is to ask you, my beautiful precious readers. And so I invite you all to become a part of this journey I’m taking by offering your suggestions.
With that said, after yesterday’s blog, I had some interesting...
16 tags
Winner of the Top 3 Things I Love To Do In...
#1 Winner: Sex on the Beach
When I was in high school, I went on vacation down to South Padre Island. One night, I took a walk with a cute blond down to the beach for a romantic late night stroll. As we walked, images of Burt Lancaster and Deborah Kerr in From Here To Eternity flashed through my mind’s eye as I pictured them kissing passionately in the surf. Such are the things that romance,...
16 tags
Top 3 Things To Do In Pensacola, Fl: #2
#2: Blazzues
After two full days of hitching, I found my last driver happened to be a salsa dancer who told me of a restaurant/bar called Blazzues that I just had to go to. I was coming in on a Wednesday which he excitedly told me just happened to be their swing and blues night. I took this piece of information with a a reluctant grin because after hitching for two days, dancing sounds nice...
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Sex On The Beach And My Top 3 Spots Of Pensacola,...
If you find yourself in Pensacola, typically you have two options: keep driving till you hit a new city or find a spouse in the military, settle down and hope enough people fall into the same trap so that you develop a great social network. But if being pumped by a Seaman isn’t your cup of tea, don’t fret. There are many enjoyable aspects to Pensacola if you know where to look.
Despite having...
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How To Make Banana Experiment Bread On The Fly
Bonjourno ladies and gentlemen! As you know, when I travel I like to make food for those I’m staying with. Sunday night, after the Pensacola Blues Exchange had wrapped up, I went back and cooked dinner for the after party. It was a big hit that required some MacGuyver skills when I found they didn’t have all the equipment I needed. That is something I continue to impress upon you...
21 tags
The Surprise 4th Quarter Touchdown!!! (The...
And now for the “to be continued” to be continued.
My last entry found me at a gas station around 9 PM getting ready to look for a bridge to sleep under. I had very little luck with rides that day and night time had fallen. If you think people are wary of hitchhikers already then take that, shoot it up with buffalo steroids and you’ll have a glimpse of how they feel about picking up hitchers...
20 tags
My Last Minute Surprise Hitchhiking Down To...
It was my original plan to stay in Nashville all of three days, but by the end of my journey there, I had stayed there almost two weeks. It was a town that enchanted me and was hard to leave. My fantastic host Christine Wheatley definitely made it possible for me to extend my trip, but my journey called me onwards and I had to get down to Pensacola, FL.
I began this trip with the belief that...
August 2011
19 posts
30 tags
The 8 Jewels Of Nashville (I was going to say...
Look! It’s Jesus (and other jewels you’ll find in Nashville that will make the Titanic necklace look like a pop rock).
Now when you’re traveling like me, you have to be prepared for anything. Of those there are three you have to be constantly on the lookout for: zombies, zombies dressed as clowns, and State Troopers who are dressed like clowns cause it’s their day off and their...
22 tags
Top 4 Places To Dance To Live Music In Nashville...
Strap in ladies and gentlemen because this list ain’t over yet! We’ve still got two more places to knock off so if you find yourself in Nashville with a beautiful young woman or a confused young man, at least you’ll know where to go to see great live music and, if you happen to swing and blues dance, shake your groove thang just like your mama and Peaches and Herb taught you.
...
11 tags
The Key To Being Housed And Fed While You Travel
The key to being housed and fed while you travel is not to tell people you’re social life is dying from Asian Balding Disease and wait for the sympathetic bread roll that may or may not come with butter. The key is to have a skill that will benefit the person hosting you. Now that could be knife skills, bo staff skills, computer hacking skills, beenie baby creation skills, whatever.
...
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Monty Python and the Top 4 Places To Dance To Live...
STOP!!! Now answer me these questions three:
What Is Your Name: Sir Dance-A-Lot
What Is Your Quest: To go to Nashville and find great places to listen to music and dance
What Is The Average Wind Speed Of An Unladen Swallow: European Swallow - 10 meters per second. African Swallow - I don’t know. BWAAAAAAaaaaaa!!!!
You laugh now but if you think Monty Python situations don’t...
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